Does anyone else have the problem of their daughter or son coming home and feeling very left out of the groups at cheer? She explains it as everyone on the team likes everyone and gets along with everyone, but when they talk to her, it's just to be nice, not for a friendship. How about myspace pictures with nearly the entire team getting together outside of practice, and she (or he) never heard a thing about it? Or people inviting people to a birthday party at practice and not inviting your child? This happens quite a lot at my gym, and it seems my daughter is one of the only ones it happens too.
I think your gym needs to plan more activities outside of practice to bond new members with old. I notice this happening at our gym too (maybe it's the same gym)?? Many of the members have been cheering together for a long time and are good friends outside of cheer, so they forget there are new members who want to be included too. It's up to the coaches and owners to think of activities to help the new ones feel like they are part of the gym family.
It happens at our gym too. Most of the kids on the team live south of the gym and we live north. The moms have been friends a long time and are very cliqueish and they run the outside of the gym get togethers and have come to believe that standing and whispering in groups in front of others is acceptable behavior. The kids themselves are friendly to my daughter. She was confused (and I believe she is right) because the kids seem to really like her, and I was hurt for a long time because we were not often included unless it was an 'official' gym activity. That was awhile back. We are no longer new to the gym. Those moms are still the same, I just found some friendlier ones to hang with. The only bad part is daughter still doesn't really hang with the kids from the gym outside of gym, but we are geographically undesirable. One thing that helped was to emphasis to my daughter to work on making 1 or 2 friends (same with me!) and all of a sudden, the feeling of being left out, decreased. Truthfully, being friends with EVERYONE is unrealistic. I also focused on boostering her out of the gym friendships close to the house.
YOu may be talking about an older kid dynamic. I am talking about kids whose moms who are still in charge of transportation and arrangements.
I don't know that this is a Coaches job. As a coach, I of course would love for my kids to be friends with each other, but it just can't happen all the time. I ask that the kids are respectful of each other, work with each other and be teammates. But what they do outside of the gym is their business (so long as it doesn't affect ours).
I think, and I may be wrong, that this is where the parents step in. And to be honest, not having kids of my own, I can't say how I would handle this.
-- Edited by Nelson at 09:02, 2008-07-31
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Nelson
"I have no time to converse with you, I must be first to register my disgust on the internet regarding the new McBane film" - Comic Book Guy
girls are just mean. As mean as their mommies! If your not a cool mommy, your child is not a cool KID! Families with money sit and talk here, all other families....... over here!
No need to get all nasty. It is what it is and that goes for coaches too. they know where the money is
This has happened to my daughters, not in cheer though. I tried to look objectively at why this would be, a great example was given above (location) and previously knew each other. If I couldn't figure it out and my daughters couldn't then I told them to invite kids to some activity and/or I would organize a get-together outside the regular. I also taught them to try to always help make newer kids feel welcomed.
I also agree with Nelson in that I don't believe this is a coach/gym issue...except maybe to ask their perspective of what's going on.
Social interactions are a two way street. Perhaps, if your child keeps finding themselves in this prediciment, you should help him/her with their social skills. Kids like other kids who are like them. I personally don't think it is my child's obligation to hang around with someone they don't feel comfortable with. I wouldn't allow one child to be left off a party invite, but I also wouldn't put the responsibility of another kid's social well-being on mine.
last season my family was new to our gym. my daughter felt left out sometimes, but i found that i was very over sensitive because she was new and wanted her to fit in and be comfortable at her new gym. as the season went on she started to make her own friends and became part of the gym. it is not the gym's responsibility, just like we cant make all kids be friends in school. some kids just click, or have things in common or yes they may even be close because they have been together forever...... but that is life in general. as long as while they are at the gym they are treated fairly and they are having fun, then what happens outside of the gym is personal. how about you have a little get together at your house with the girls from the squad or even just a couple of girls that your daughter seems to like. now being on the other side of things, my daughter has friends who she is very close to at the gym and outside of the gym. they get together for movies, birthday parties or just to hang out. every girl isn't included and its not because we are being exclusive... just face it, not every one clicks socially. look for the positive inside your gym are you getting what you paid for. is she comfortable at her gym. does she love practice for the most part. what happens outside the gym is no concern of the gym owners if it doesnt pertain to the gym in general. i know i would hate for someone to try and make me interact with someone who just isn't my type of friend outside of the norm. enjoy your season. our gym owner now says to each girl and family at the parent meeting and i love this "you dont have to be friends outside of the gym, but once you step through these dooors you do have to be respectful and cordial and work as a team and cheer family. please leave oustside issues outside the gym and if there is anything that is going on within the gym or program itself, please by all means bring it to my attention. Lets all unite for the children and the program and enjoy our season"
girls are just mean. As mean as their mommies! If your not a cool mommy, your child is not a cool KID! Families with money sit and talk here, all other families....... over here!
No need to get all nasty. It is what it is and that goes for coaches too. they know where the money is
That is kind of a generalization....not everyone who has money is rude, same goes for parents who are rure or cool, doesn't mean their kids will be either.
girls are just mean. As mean as their mommies! If your not a cool mommy, your child is not a cool KID! Families with money sit and talk here, all other families....... over here!
No need to get all nasty. It is what it is and that goes for coaches too. they know where the money is
That is kind of a generalization....not everyone who has money is rude, same goes for parents who are rure or cool, doesn't mean their kids will be either.
yes its not nice to generalize.... also if people who have money sit together and talk, so be it, they have something in common to discuss. i know for myself, i surround myself with people of like interest at cheer comps. it makes the long day go by faster and easier. we sit back and shoot the breeze. it doesnt hav eto do with money, it has to do with we click and we have stuff to talk about.
why is it so important to fit in when you should just be confortable in your own skin and confident in yourself... someone is always going to have more no matter how much you dont or do have, someone is always going to appear prettier, more popular or even more likable. but if you love you and surround yourself with positive people, all this will seem minor and life will be good for ya
While I have to agree this is not something a coach should be responsible for trying to fix, I do feel strongly gym owners need to get involved with finding solutions, because most if not all gyms claim to be "a family". That is probably one of their strongest selling points. Okay, so if you're a family, you need to plan activities that will make new members feel like they are part of it. You have to understand that if new parents step in and try to arrange something it just doesn't work... members don't know you and will do what is most comfortable to them, sticking with people they know. They won't take the time to go to an acitivity planned by a new family, but they will if it's a gym activity.
I agree with the post that said finding one or two friends makes a big difference, that is what happened with my daughter, and now she is very social with everyone.
As for parents, they should know better, and any parents that are snobbish like what was posted are not anyone I would want to hang out with anyway! Fortunately I was lucky when we were new to our gym, the parents were extremely friendly and made me feel comfortable and welcomed.
girls are just mean. As mean as their mommies! If your not a cool mommy, your child is not a cool KID! Families with money sit and talk here, all other families....... over here!
No need to get all nasty. It is what it is and that goes for coaches too. they know where the money is
Oh wow, I think you need therapy. Not everyone is like that, relax, breathe!
My daughter had a similar experience several years ago. She was new and the youngest on the team. She is also somewhat shy. There were girls a year older than her but still she just didn't quite "gel". It broke my heart seeing the team (of 35) sitting together while my daughter would sit off to the side alone. Our solution was to finish out the year with that team and them move to another team. The new team was a "better fit" for her generally speaking and she has grown tremendously and continues to be happy there. Sometimes it isn't about how good a team is for the 3 minutes on the floor but rather how your child feels about the team for the many hours a week they are practicing together!
I also agree that the gym should not be involved other than to run practices where the kids are respectful to one another.
Disagree, the gym needs to be involved in planning bonding activities for these members. Making sure they all respect each other at practices does nothing for someone who is trying to get to know and bond with the other members.
